I spent the weekend by myself. In my dorm room. My sanctuary, if you will ;). Which is something that is beginning to become a trend while I’m here at school. Week days are usually the only days I see people unless I order food on the weekend. I still can’t decide if this is something I’m fine with or not. On one hand I would like to do things during the weekend but on the other hand I’m too tired to do anything, ever.
I just feel better doing things by myself lately. I don’t want someone to get dinner with me. I don’t want to study with anyone. I don’t want to have conversations with people. Not even my best friend (granted she does live 3,000 miles away so it’s hard to have a conversation with her anyway but I’ll save that for another blog post).
This is going to be my life next semester anyway considering that the people that I do spend small amounts of time with are transferring schools. Next semester I will have zero friends. I’ve started to think that maybe I’m isolating myself to be prepared for a year spent alone and/or attempting to make new friends. I think I’ll be okay and if I can’t make new friends it won’t be great but I’ll live.
I just kind of do things for right now. I just move with the world. Do the things that I need to do. While everything is moving I’m just forced to move with it. It’s not something I’m actively trying to do. Being pushed through life is fine but I’m afraid I’ll look back and be really disappointed by how little I’ll have to remember about this time in my life.
I constantly wonder when I will start to live. How can I choose to live? Is it a choice or will it just happen while everything else happens? These are the thoughts for the beginning of my week. I hope yours are little less heavy and I hope you know how to live life.
Song: Sanctuary (feat. Charles Esten & Lennon & Maisy) by Nashville Cast
Sometimes I think that I’m completely normal person. I’m a happy person right? What do I have to be upset about? Yeah I’m happy. Then something happens and all of the thoughts that make me think otherwise start swirling through my brain.
Today I was sitting at work in the library by myself doing what I usually do. Then a guy comes up to me and I can see his friends behind the bookcases a few rows down watching and listening. He came over and said some terrible line and then asked for my number. This kind of thing never happens to me. My mind immediately went to this being a joke. He also called me “precious”. Which for one makes me want to vomit and then I though “Oh he’s calling me that because I’m fat” (thinking of the movie Precious, which is an amazing movie btw). Why does my mind even go to that conclusion? I wanted to cry. Run. Hide. Hearing him and his friends laugh as they walked away, mocking him for using the word “precious”. Oh my gosh I want to get rid of that whole experience but I can’t stop thinking about it. Later one of his friends came back and asked if I had a cigarette.
Maybe it was a weird frat scavenger hunt or hazing. What ever it was it really messed with me and I hate that. Right when I left work I just thought “Well that made me never want to eat again” and that is so stupid and maladaptive. Now I can’t sleep and I feel like the only time I will ever be asked out is as a joke, so there’s that.
Also I decided that since my first post title was a song title I would just continue that trend. Anyway the music I’m listening too is usually a pretty good indicator of my mood. There may be some weird ones in there as well 😉
Song: Run and Hide by Sabrina Carpenter
It’s actually been quite warm and nice where I live but heavy weather felt like a suitable title for this post. As it is currently the song I’m listening to (Heavy Weather by Billie Marten) and life lately just feels like heavy weather. An unpredictable storm. I feel like I’m out in 90mph wind and everything is just crashing into me. There’s no control and I don’t no how to stop it.
There’s something about a lack of control and a disorganization that makes me want to completely shut down. Or do something maladaptive. Things go wrong left and right? Pretend it’s not happening and act like you’re okay.
Then I remember that can’t be right. Normal people can deal with small things like this, right? Why does everything affect me so much. Everything just kind of hurts. I want to sleep for a few weeks but I can’t just drop my life.
Although, it would be nice to stay inside and away from the heavy weather once in a while.
Song: Heavy Weather by Billie Marten